dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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