My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
