i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize