All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
