I wish I could punch you in the face.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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