My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
