I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
