cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize