I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
