absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
