The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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