just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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