Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
