The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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