I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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