Got a toothbrush?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
