The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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