I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
