the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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