I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
