I feel great
I just peed on a car
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize