community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
