chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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