I think I won the penis lottery.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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