i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish life had little blips of pornography
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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