i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
