So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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