Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
