I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
