Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
