OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
