Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
