My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
