Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
