She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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