i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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