Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
