life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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