well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
