I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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