I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You have to summon your inner elephant
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
