They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
