I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
