I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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