I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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