I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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