Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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