my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
