masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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