totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
