Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
