taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
