she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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