if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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